Well, it's finally here, the day that I thought I wanted, my divorce is final. I thought that's what I wanted to happen, after all he did cheat on me. Now that it's here, though, I am having a lot of mixed emotions. I feel like I failed in some way. I feel like maybe I'm completely and totally unable to be loved or to love for that matter. I feel like just locking myself up in my room, curling up in a ball, and crying none stop.
I'm not sad that it's over or that he's gone (because let's face it, he was a piece of shit), it's the man that I married that I am missing. He changed so much over the 8 years we were married, he actually became someone I didn't know. I am now officially part of his ex-wife club (yes there is actually one), the ones that he thought he could break into little pieces and make want him forever! The other two do want him back. Me, on the other hand, I can't even stand to say his name because I hate him that bad!
At the same time, I had to of loved him at one point because I did marry him. When we met it was love at first sight, actually. He was charming, funny, smart, good looking........everything a girl wants in a man. When he left, though, he didn't shave, showered once a week if I was lucky, drank a case of beer a night, and was abusive in every way possible. He lashed out at me anytime something went wrong in his life (even his new thing pissing him off).
We were very normal, and hid our problems so well that I was shocked when he started his affair. Everyone that we knew was amazed that we were having problems. He, of course, blames me for his online affair, because of finding my kinky side. I blame him because he just wasn't attractive to me any more. I'm sorry, but who would want to have a sexual relationship with someone that NEVER showered! In all reality, though, I truly think it was both of us. After all, if someone found their partner attractive, they would shower and look nice. Even after I showered every day, I would put on night clothes because I didn't want to have sex with him.
Now that today is here, I am feeling rejected, hurt, and alone. I know I have my Master that would be more than willing to comfort me (if I would let him). I know I have all of my friends in the community that would give me the much needed shoulder to cry on or a pat on the back for comfort. The problem is, I can't allow anyone to see my human side. I'm so afraid that they will think I was weak (not the brave strong person they always see), that I can't allow anyone to see my real side. As I sit here writing this, Master is less than 2 feet away from me, feeling everything I am feeling, and neither one of us is talking about what is going on. He always gives me my space to figure out my emotions on my own--like he knows I need. He would never assume I needed him to hold me, force me to be in his arms, because he knows that would break me way beyond repair. My friends on the other hand, would force me. That's why I am sitting here writing this instead of being with them!
I know deep down in my heart this is a very good thing. Now I don't need to talk to him or ever see him again. At the same time, I still morn the man that I loved all those years ago, the man I pledged my life and eternity to. Today, I wonder if it was just me that can't be loved, or if maybe just maybe it is he who can not love no matter who he is with. Today, I shall sit here and wonder what went wrong with us and our happy life we thought we were going to have together. Today, unlike any other day, I shall sit and cry, allowing all to see my true raw emotions. Tomorrow, however, is different because tomorrow starts my new life!
